Granted, that is not the nicest article title ever, but it is excellent advice for helping a friend who is going through a difficult time.
Often, our first instinct is to stay away. We do not want to get involved. We want to avoid the mess. We convince ourselves that our friend has enough going on and we would only be in the way.
None of that is true!
Avoiding your friend only isolates them and makes them feel even more alone. What they need is your presence. Period! You do not need to have answers or give advice. That is where the shut-up part comes.
When things go wrong, we ask “Why did this happen?” We want to solve the puzzle. “Cause and effect” makes sense to us. Sometimes there is a direct cause that needs to be addressed, but often the issues are much more complicated than that. More to the point, placing blame does not help. Even if I caused my own trouble, pointing out how I failed does not fix anything, nor does it release you from your responsibility to be helpful. Focusing on blame is counterproductive!
In the Book of Job, after he loses everything, we are told three of his friends “… set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go sympathize with him and comfort him… They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was” (Job 2:11-13). That was a great response!
Then they ruined it!
They tried to convince Job he was at fault. They reasoned that God must be punishing him. They tried to force him to confess sins he did not commit. They hassled him for 33 chapters of the book! In doing so, they ruined all the good they intended to do. Job finally observed, “You are miserable comforters, all of you!” (Job 16:2).
People do not need to be scolded. They do not need to be told where they failed. They already know!
What they need is for those who love them to show up. They need someone with whom to share their burden.
Show up and shut up is always a good place to start!
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