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When the Holidays Hurt

 (This is the second in a series of articles I was asked to write for our local paper.  This one deals with how to help those who are hurting over the holiday season).

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                For those dealing with grief, depression, or other forms of loss, Christmastime can be intensely painful and lonely.  How can you help when you know that someone is going through a difficult time? 

                First, acknowledge the circumstance.  Pretending that nothing has changed or that there has not been significant trauma in that person’s life only isolates them even more.  Many years ago, a lady said to me, “The hardest thing about losing my husband is the fact that no one talks about him anymore.  It is as if he, and our life together, never existed”.   Even when it is difficult, truth is always our friend.  By acknowledging the situation, we show that we are thinking about what the other person is going through, rather than just trying to protect ourselves from having to deal with it. 

                Secondly, invite others to talk about their feelings.  Not everyone will want to do this, but by opening the door we give them a chance to unburden themselves.  Open-ended, non-prying, questions are best.  Asking things like, “How are you really doing?” or “Is there anything I can do to help?”  allow people to share as much as they are comfortable sharing, and they communicate your care and love for them as well.

                Thirdly, do not assume that you can fix the situation.  When someone is struggling, it is tempting to say, “Here is what you ought to do!”  Most of the time, this is motivated by love and a desire to see things get better, but it is usually not helpful.  Outside answers typically do not solve inside problems. 

                Lastly, avoid saying, “I know how you feel” because the truth is that you do not.  You may have been through similar circumstances, but each person, and each situation, is unique. 

                In the end, most people do not want your advice or your answers. They simply want to know that they are loved and that someone sees what they are going through.  Therefore, some of the best words are phrases like, “I am sorry this is happening” or “I care about you”. 

                This advice will not work for everyone.  However, most people respond well to love and compassion regardless of the circumstance that they are in.

                Do not let the fear of not knowing what to do hold you back. 

                The best gift you can give is you!

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